Police And Thieves

Further to my previous posting about Morrissey, I should mention that we went into the theatre fairly skipping along, our hearts pounding with excitable enthusiasm and with huge grins on our faces. No way, in other words, to approach a concert by Morrissey. Fortunately, just before our hero took the stage, I received a text from Jr Emu #1. Apparently, Jr Emu #2 had just come home v upset as his bike had been stolen. This put me & Mrs E into a combination of angst and sulking; ideal for a Morrissey concert, but not too good for Jake, who we had to ‘have words with’ the following day.

So, we reported the matter to the police. I have to say, I’m slightly sceptical of the good work of our glorious boys in blue. I think this goes back to the time I was pulled over and breathalysed by a particularly officious twit who must have been all of 16 years old. Anyway, putting my suspicions firmly behind me, I decided to maximise the value from my tax payments. This is what happened.

  1. I reported the bike stolen through the Crime Reporting phone line, where I gave a good deal of personal information and loads of detail about the bike. In return, I was given a Very Important Crime Report Number. I was asked if I needed help from Victim Support (no), and if I needed a community police officer to visit to convince Jake of the value of locking his bike (see ‘have words with’ above),
  2. Then I got a letter, citing the Very Important Crime Report Number, and telling me it was under investigation.
  3. Then I got a letter containing an ultra-violet marker, to security mark the bikes in the house yet to be stolen.
  4. Then I got a letter, saying that, as there was not enough evidence and no suspect, the case would be closed, and the Very Important Crime Report Number was hereby revoked.

The astonishing thing is that only 4 days passed from step 1 to 4. Which is great for efficient processing, but not that smart if all you wanted was your local wandering officer to keep an eye out for a dumped BMX bike. Which is all I really wanted.

Anyway, this story has a fairly happy ending. Around stage 2, son #1 phoned round his mates and asked them to keep an eye out for the bike. Just as the letter in stage 4 had landed, two of them found the bike and brought it round, much to son #2’s relief. So maybe there’s a future in the police for these lads. As long as they’re good at writing letters as well.


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