You might be reading this as a Paul Simon fan. In which case, feel free to step away now. Big fans of Rhyming’ Simon (or lil’ Pauly, which his diehard fans definitely don’t call him) tend to be a bit precious about his work – kicking back when phrases like ‘cultural appropriation’ or ‘oversized monitors for everyone in the band except Paul’ are used.
I’m fairly ambivalent, but I’ll confess to a bit of a black mood every time I hear the opening chords to ‘Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover’. This always leaves me disappointed, insofar that Paul tends to leave the listener a little short changed on the learning front. Having had a look at the lyrics, short changed to the tune of 45 ways, so if we’re looking to the song as a list of ideas, we’re a good 90% down on our expectations. To be clear, the ‘ways’ which are outlined in the song are:
- Slip out the back, Jack
- Make a new plan, Stan
- You don’t need to be coy, Roy
- Hop on the bus, Gus
- Drop off the key, Lee
Even these five recommendations seem a little flimsy on closer inspection. If your name was Roy, for example, you might feel a little underwhelmed if you’d gone to Paul for your relationship-ending advice.
However, the Emu is very much here to ease the pain in these troubled times, and would respectfully suggest a further set of strategies to leave your lover, which Paul may want to incorporate into future versions of the song.
6. Bogart the spliff, Cliff
7. Play her all your records by The Fall, Saul
8. Snip through his brake cable, Mabel
9. Wait till he’s asleep then violently sever his nose, Rose
10. Go swimming and tie her legs to an anvil, Granville
11. Mention ‘big boned and jolly’, Wally
12. Tell her you’ve been charged with Gross Moral Turpitude, Dude
13. Tell her the sea’s your mistress, Idris
14. Dig a shallow grave, Dave
15. Slip your head in a noose, Bruce
16. Give her a swerve, Merve
17. Show her your truss, Russ
18. Walk around in her skirt, Kurt
19. Shoot some amateur porn, Shaun
20. Tell her you’re a slave to your work, Dirk
21. Say you fancy her Gran, Stan (a bit more effective than ‘A New Plan’)
22. Say you play for the other team, Gene
23. Cop an inappropriate feel, Neil
24. Reveal you’re a cleric, Derek
25. Leave an unpleasant stain, Wayne
26. Tell her your real name is Doris, Maurice
27. Reveal yourself as a big fan of Boris, Horace
28. Forget the safety word, Edward
29. Establish that behind your back she calls you Just In, Justin
30. Tell her you’re married already, Eddie
31. Reveal your prosthetic leg, Greg
32. Tell her you have the virus, Sirus
33. Mention your chlamydia, Lydia
34. Call him Mr Floppy, Poppy
35. Test his olfactory gland, Fran
36. Lower his sleeping hand into a blender, Glenda
37. Stab him in the hand if he tries to feel ya, Ophelia.
38. Play him some folk songs on your concertina, Katrina
39. Elaborately fake your own suicide, Clyde
40. Use the trusty ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line, Clementine
41. Impale him on your fender, Brenda
42. Pretend it’s a vaccine, Maxine
43. Resign from (or, possibly, join) his quiz team, Christine
44. Tell him that’s not what you meant by a mouth organ, Morgan
45. Tell her you need to set the bar higher, Isiah
46. ‘Forget’ to feed the cat, Pat
47. Give her a bath in something corrosive, Joseph
48. Hop on your cycle, Michael
49. Carelessly leave laying around the elaborate plans for her mausoleum, Ian
50. Tell her you’ve modelled your emotional development on the personality of Hannibal Lecter, Hector
As I write, Bob Dylan has just released a seventeen minute version of a song documenting his thoughts on JFK and the American dream. So it’s probably not too much to ask for Mr Simon to go in the same direction. (I can guarantee that the rhymes above are no more contrived than the one’s you’ll find on the lyric sheet of ‘Murder Most Foul’).
Stay safe (Faith) x
The Emu 
Great use of a sunny sunday afternoon in lockdown. All brilliant so hard to pick a winner. Good work, Kev!