Latest in the longish list entitled ‘well, I never saw that one coming’, is the exciting news that lanky centre forward and part time womaniser Peter Crouch is to star in a show called ‘On The Couch With Peter Crouch‘. It’s been commissioned by Sky, surprisingly enough, and is set to put the genial freak of nature in front of a number of celebs, to examine ‘what makes them tick’. Our presenter has been justified on the excellent criteria of ‘having a good command of the English language’, although you and I both know that the whole premis really just revolves around being able to produce a few interviews underneath such a cracking series title. So, not to be outdone by our “free-scoring” journeyman giant, the Emu has trawled the depths of his celebrity knowledge to bring you some equally valid programmes. And if any of these get commissioned, remember where you saw them first:
1. Celebrity Furs, with Olly Murs
In which everybody’s favourite grinning warbler tips his comedy trilby to the endangered fur and leather collections of his (ahem) fellow celebrities. In episode one, Paris Hilton explains why she likes to improve her appearance by draping a number of side-stitched chinchillas over her shoulders, then goes on to justify her existence generally. In the Celebrity Furs Challenge, Olly tasks Paris with composing a full sentence without either reference to herself, or the words, ‘like’, ‘totally’ and ‘whatever’.
2. Princess Eugenie’s Olives and Blinis.
In which Princess E shows that there really is life under the fascinator by tracing the cocktail party snack from its humble beginnings in Manhattan, through the halcyon years of the Ritz Cracker and right up to today’s Bruschetta with grilled butterfly wings. The nation’s favourite 97th in line to the throne freeloader will be hoping that the commission will prove that she does, at least, know about what she knows.
3. Crown Green Bowls with Beyonce Knowles.
The producers have clearly taken a gamble here, assuming that Mrs -Z will become plain old Ms Knowles again before the pilot airs. But it’s as nothing compared to the risk in showing the encounter between the pop diva and bowls legend David Bryant. The chemistry between the two, following a misunderstanding where David invites Beyonce to have a suck on his favourite cherry rough shag, leaves a thousand options for future episodes.
4. Makin’ Merry, with Terry & Ferry.
Basically, a documentary of a drinking competition between enthusiastic racist John Terry and 70’s heartthrob and international playboy Bryan Ferry. Expect plenty of fireworks as the evening progresses, as they discuss the best way to park their Bentleys, how best to treat the ladies, and exactly why Bryan spent the first four Roxy Music albums sounding like he had a packet of jelly inside his mouth.
5. Celebrity Stalking with Andrea Dworkin.
Although Ms Dworkin is currently exercising her feminist doctrine in another life, her spirit lives on in a series where her followers travel the length and breadth of the country intruding on the lives of pornographers and misogynists wherever they can find them. In episode one, Peter Stringfellow is ambushed wearing nothing but a pair of speedos and a smile. Hilarity ensues as he makes the mistake of trying to charm his way out of the situation by offering his attackers a chance to work in his new nightclub venture, just outside Luton.
6. Fifty shades of Andy Grey.
Fresh from his exile on TalkSport, Andy is finally able to talk about the many facets of his personality that have taken him through his multiple marriages and affairs, whilst barely pausing to address the capability of women to understand the offside rule. In the pilot episode, expect to see log shots of Andy staring wistfully across a Scottish loch, wondering, perhaps, on his life’s meandering journey, before high tailing it back to the smoke for a lively jabber with Alan Brazil about whether there will ever again be a proper hard man centre back in domestic first flight football.
7. Dennis And Rolf Play Tennis And Golf.
Much like the pro-celebrity programming so beloved of 1970’s TV schedules, this series invites celebrities along to share a round of golf, a set of tennis, and an anecdote or two with our hosts, Dennis Skinner MP, and Rolf Harris. Although at first an unlikely pairing, Australia’s favourite wobble board enthusiast and the Beast of Bolsover relax into their roles quickly, and soon start trading gags like they’re lifetime pals. Episode one features Jimmy Tarbuck and Jonathan Ross. Of course.
8. A Nail Gun, A Pallet, And Our Old Friend Timmy Mallet.
Sponsored by B&Q, this delightful and inspiring series shows that there’s much more to Timmy Mallet than some ill-advised sweaters and ridiculous glasses. Using recyclable materials and his hitherto unacknowledged expertise in DIY, Timmy aims to furnish an entire three bedroom bungalow over the course of six 30 minute shows. In episode one, Timmy fashions a futon out of a pallet, and a colourful bedspread out of some old knitwear.
9. The Osbornes.
Modelled closely on “The Osbournes”, an everyday story of over privileged brats being cared for by a father completely out of touch with the modern world, this series focuses in on the world of George Osborne, and, in contrast, features some over privileged brats being cared for by a father completely out of touch with the modern world. The pilot episode shows “Boy” George blowing a sizeable chunk of his trust fund on an ill-advised investment based on shorting shares in Greggs the Bakers.
10. Extreme Fishing with Robson Green.
Sorry, obviously that one’s completely ridiculous.